Fucking annoying

The two most annoying things that I hear on a daily basis that I'm fucking tired of hearing and how I'd really like to respond.

1. Lottery

C: I'd like a lottery ticket

Me: Which one would you like, I've got...

C: The winning one of course

Me: Ha Ha, let me see what I can do

Thinking: WHAT, YOU MEAN THAT'S FUCKING POSSIBLE, I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA I COULD DO THAT. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE THEN? LET ME JUST BUY MYSELF THE WINNING TICKE AND I'M GONNA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

2. Card Reader

C: God, all these card readers are so different, I can never figure out how to use them.

Me: I know what you mean, wouldn't it be nice if everyone just used the same one, it'd be a lot easier.

Thnking: HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU SO FUCK STUPID THAT YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK A FUCKING CREDIT CARD READER? OR ARE FUCKING ILLITERATE AND CAN'T READ THE FUCKING DIRECTION PRINTED RIGHT ON THE SCREEN?